"... because emigrating means never having to say you're Sarie"

You probably have one in a drawer somewhere. You never wear it anymore, because it doesn't go with anything, but you're hanging onto it in the hope that it'll come back in fashion one day. Flip through to the early pages. See a stamp that proclaims "Republic of Bophuthatswana" from the time you were stopped on the road to an illicit nipple viewing at Sun City. You know your neighbours in Twickenham don't have that.

Ah! Spring is arriving early in Joburg and the rainy season is on its way, so cricket will be starting up as soon as it's impossible to get in a decent day's play. Even the hijackers are wearing a smile that says, "Crime is just a rumour we invented to keep chickenshit Capetonians out of our city." In fact, I haven't heard gunshots for ages, but it may be that they're being drowned out by the sound of people pissing in the street.

We're hosting the world conference on sustainable development and you can see big changes all over the city. Roads in the area have been newly resurfaced which is making the occasion resemble the Queen Mother's funeral, but with fewer silly hats. Strange how the organisers always lay on a bazillion "attractions" at these events and then presume that all anyone will be staring at is the tar. The homeless are being rounded up or formed into happy traditional dance troupes for the duration. All scroungers, spongers and parasites will be officially accredited and chauffeur driven, while the merely unfortunate have to get the fuck outta Sandton. Oh, and what do the delegates say is the number one fun thing to do in our city? Why, go shopping of course!!! Because it's so cheap!!!!!! Irony? Is that you hammering on the door with a shovel?

I listen to them talk crap until it feels like I've left my brain in a glass of coke overnight and it's starting to dissolve. The only people safe from the summit are locked up in the Big Brother house and scarily, they're starting to make sense by comparison. I don't understand global warming or politics or why boneheads tackle refs. I don't understand why Woollies thinks it can charge twelve bucks for a chicken sandwich. But I do understand why I like watching Mandy's noombies in the shower.

At least the Americans have a policy that makes sense: "Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled products preferably raw and without added value, yearning to breathe tax free and we'll sell them back to you at a substantial profit." For example, some thieving bastard in the US is trying to take away from us the right to call rooibos tea by its real name, because said scumbag has "bought" the name.

If Hollywood is interested, here's my screenplay for a (porno) movie called, coincidentally, "Sustainable Development".

AFRICA: Who's that taking me roughly from behind? Uncle Sam? You again? My! What a big package you have!

That's all I've got. You flesh it out; I'm off to get breakfast at McDonalds. My soul's damned already, so what's one more cow on the fast food fuelled pyre of my Karma?

Thanks for all the feedback.

Cheers!
- Al