November 2002 Archives

I trained as an actor and I've been unemployed as an actor on many major movies so it's only natural for me to be asked about the state of the South African film industry. Only one answer makes sense: "There aren't enough movies!" By which of course I mean, "There aren't enough movies with ME in them!"

Too many South African feature films have showcased the splendours of Table Mountain, burning sunsets and Kim Basinger's breasts, but they haven't yet made a lens wide-angled enough to encompass 'ME'. Who could forget my portrayal of 'Evil Game Ranger #2' in the epic Americans Save Africa? The breathtaking simplicity with which I said my line, "Yeah, Boss, let's take them apart." would have moved you to tears. (The director seemed to be crying.) Unfortunately it was cut from the eventual straight to video release in favour of a lingering shot of some low rent plastic surgeon's cover version of the great Basinger's noombies. Why? Who knows? The ways of movies are mysterious indeed, but here are some of the secrets I've learned.

November 01, 2002

260 million years ago, even before Madonna lost her virginity, dinosaurs roamed the region of South Africa we now call the Karoo. (Then called the GRRHMMPHGROINK! I think. My Palaeozoic is rusty.) They hung around the edges of an inland sea, now known as the Randburg Waterfront, feeding, fighting and presumably fucking although we can't be sure of that last one. All reconstructions of these babes I've seen have been monumentally ugly and the real reason for their extinction could have been a failure to breed, because Hovasaurus females looked like a hatful of burst arseholes.

Although scientists have known of the fossils there since the 1840's, some farmers in the area have just woken up the financial potential of having Jurassic Park anoraks traipsing across their land looking for dinosaur footprints. The result is cultural meltdown. Paleo-tourism will bring in money and be a viable alternative to "darkie-ou" tourism which might bring back the Rinderpest. On the other hand, the local brand of fundamentalist Christianity believes, quite literally, that God made the world in six days, rested for one and then thoughtfully provided black people so that fat arsed settlers wouldn't have to lift a finger from then on. Dinosaurs didn't exist. Period. Not in any period. Period.

Early humans in the area are easier to accept as long as they're too early to want their land back. Their traces can be found in the area too, although I recommend that, instead of searching for primitive humanoids in the hot, dusty veldt, palaeontologists should go to any bar in De Aar. They're all still there. A word of caution though, the 1970's retro-fashions aren't cool, ironic statements. The only design house is that of Jannie Visagie and Liz Hurley isn't a customer.

260 million years ago, even before Madonna lost her virginity, dinosaurs roamed the region of South Africa we now call the Karoo. (Then called the GRRHMMPHGROINK! I think. My Palaeozoic is rusty.) They hung around the edges of an inland sea, now known as the Randburg Waterfront, feeding, fighting and presumably fucking although we can't be sure of that last one. All reconstructions of these babes I've seen have been monumentally ugly and the real reason for their extinction could have been a failure to breed, because Hovasaurus females looked like a hatful of burst arseholes.

Although scientists have known of the fossils there since the 1840's, some farmers in the area have just woken up the financial potential of having Jurassic Park anoraks traipsing across their land looking for dinosaur footprints. The result is cultural meltdown. Paleo-tourism will bring in money and be a viable alternative to "darkie-ou" tourism which might bring back the Rinderpest. On the other hand, the local brand of fundamentalist Christianity believes, quite literally, that God made the world in six days, rested for one and then thoughtfully provided black people so that fat arsed settlers wouldn't have to lift a finger from then on. Dinosaurs didn't exist. Period. Not in any period. Period.