A US led war may be coming soon to a bunker near you, but the idea has been hugely unpopular in South Africa. Our government is determined to broker peace with a diplomatic effort that seems to involve humping Saddam's leg until he surrenders. But don't fret, Yankees. Expect an upsurge of almost hysterical support for a first strike on Baghdad with the news that Winnie Madikizela-Mandela has offered to go there as a human shield.
Now, I don't want to start a panic or niks, but if you're still wondering whether or not Elvis really died, check out the similarity between his glasses and the specs on Winnie. Coincidence? ...
Damn! You always say that, Agent Scully!
The ANC leadership is just building on a foreign policy that's been so hugely successful in Zimbabwe. (And speaking of four-eyed coincidences: Mugabe ... Bennie Boekwurm! Tell me I'm wrong!)
The philosophy behind that brilliant bit of diplomacy is that we should be left alone to find African solutions to our problems. It's like designing a brave new world by cribbing ideas from episodes of The Flintstones. However, first world money is always welcome as long as it's devoid of culturally imperialist strings (read: audits). They can't figure out whether America is the great Satan or the great Santa.
George Dubya would have a much easier time convincing us that charbroiling Iraqis is the right thing to do if he wore a superhero costume. Every kid will tell you that an authority figure needs a mask or at least a cape. That's why Osama's bunch has the advantage. Of course, it would also help if Bush lost the nonplussed frown like a bulldog molesting a postman's sack. This man commands the might of the most television-savvy nation on earth; you'd think somebody would tell "Mr. Nukular" what the benefits of Botox and a speech therapist would do to his approval rating.
Saddam, on the other hand, can talk any way he likes, since nobody understands a word he says. Ever thought that the Armageddon that's about to be unleashed could be a giant practical joke on the part of a few, pissed off UN translators? Even if you could understand Arabic, he mumbles so badly it would be like trying to lip read a toilet brush. The only real sign we have that he's a bad guy is the moustache. All evil dictators must look stupid. It's in the handbook. That's the way they measure their power. The moment somebody giggles at the 'tache or the outfit, they know discipline is slipping and then, when the music stops, it's pogrom time at the palace!
I've even got the scary feeling that there's a rogue South African working on the schedule of events. Spot the telltale SA terminology. The date for invasion is still pretty vague, but we know it's going to happen "now-now". It can't go ahead right now, because the US has to wait for the weapons inspections which will be completed "just now". This is an international conflict being conducted entirely on African time. So we wait till someone cries, "NASDAQ! And let's slip the dog called Condoleeza!" There's a certain inevitability about it all that's quite reassuring, like sitting in an armchair, feet up, with an ice cold beer and watching pigeons fly into a large, plate-glass window. Ahhh!
The fact that a slew of real, live human beings are going to be killed dead hasn't escaped even me. By all means, put a comment below telling me what an arsehole I am to be making light of war, but send that letter to George too. So far the evidence for this attack is so weak it wouldn't pull the panties off a stripper. And, while you're at it, write to Saddam and ask him, pretty please, next time he's waving a rifle in the air, to put the barrel to his head and blow his fucking brains out.
Yours in sunny disposition,
Al
By the way, apologies for using the term "brave new world" above. It was, of course, originally coined by the lesser known, Arabic dissident author, Al-Dous Huxley.
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