One man's intransigence, contrary to a flood of world opinion, will cause the loss of millions of lives. Are we talking about Mbeki's AIDS policy? Famine in Zimbabwe? Nah, it's Saddam vs. Bush II - Son of Smackdown! Like most white Sefricans, I can enjoy just about any disaster as long as someone else is getting blamed for a change, but I don't seem to be able to get into this one. Is it the presence of Australians on yet another winning side? Maybe I'm just a fool for an Ayrab with a mighty cute moustache, but I think he may have a point.
The UN weapons team has come up with nothing, but they're only human. It's not like they're TV licence inspectors. If Saddam had a visit from one of these zealot, gauleiter rejects from the unemployment line, you can bet he'd be running scared. I was. I live in Colditz Mews, an average security complex in Joburg with rabid Big Issue vendors patrolling a moat just below the electrified razor wire slam-lock shrubbery and yet he still managed to get in. The licence inspector, not Saddam. Shots from the neighbours' unit didn't alert me; I thought they were just putting the kids to sleep. Not that I would've opened the airlock to anyone anyway. But the bastard just materialised in the lounge, I swear. Immediately, I knew was that my days of getting "all the emotion" (mostly revulsion) for free from the SABC were over. My pirate viewer ass was about to handed to me in a bag.
It was utter desperation that made me reach for a weapon of mass destruction... Shit! My lottery tickets were upstairs. Panicking, I grabbed blindly. I wasn't thinking clearly enough to actually formulate the strategy of deceiving him with a prepaid Vodacom SIM-card, but suddenly I was waving the phone around like a madman, noticing that the radiation leakage from the grey import Nokia was buckling his eyeballs. A small window of escape had opened up. I managed to snatch my framed copy of the new UIF legislation for domestic workers off the wall. He wasn't ready for that! You could smell the fear in his bureaucratic soul and respect dribbled pathetically down his leg. A ruthless sucker punch with my credit card driver's licence and it was all over in seconds. Now I have to cook and eat all of him, but I digress...
This incident got me thinking about how off-pissing it must be to have someone come into your home to tell you they don't like you having something without their permission and, by the way, you've been evicted from your country with very little hope of getting your security deposit back. I understand why the Iraqis are defiant. And what am I going to do about it? They're going to get creamed and I'm going to watch it on CNN. Not exactly the moral high ground, even with a fucking TV licence. One consolation is that it's exactly the same route as governments the world over have taken. Sit back and rely on private citizens to step forward as human shields. Those bombers are going to solve the problem of a lot of pesky activists in a whole range of countries with one, invisible to radar, swoop.
So spare a thought for the about to be seriously wounded pride of your neighbourhood dictator. Nobody likes to lose face, especially to an assault rifle. Saddam probably sent a written surrender weeks ago, in accordance with international conventions, but the post office is using it to make an ad for their kak service... "Are you George?"
Wherever you are, whoever you are, be safe.
Al
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