This is "Proudly South African" week, part of lemming jingoism month and runamuck spin-doctors decade, but, y'know, it got me counting my blessings. So here are some of my favourite Sethefrikenisms. Feel free to add yours below.
Nelson Mandela: The man and the square, bridge, municipality, settlement, park, road, drive, street, boulevard, rosebush...
Howzit!
The Comrades Marathon: Amazing what the human body can do if you don't have bus fare.
Chommies.
Table Mountain: Flat on its back (Mount Have-A-Rest).
Pre-mixed "Klippies & Coke": Because it was such a complicated recipe.
Assholes who complain that the Rand is too strong and is creating poverty while driving this year's luxury German car.
The same assholes who six months ago were whinging that the economy was being ruined by a weak Rand.
In fact, anybody who says that investors don't know the difference between Zimbabwe and us.
A red Ford Cortina driving down Proes St. in Pretoria.
"Robots".
The pot calling the kettle previously disadvantaged.
Our cricket team, home before their own emails.
Guys that will guard cars they could never afford and still smile when the owners refuse to tip them with the excuse, "Sorry, I have no money".
Mowing the lawn in your "stokies".
The difference between promiscuous sex and bungee jumping? No difference. If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Penguins in oil, an ecological disaster, yes, but also a restaurant opportunity.
Jols, zols and Zola
Our Paralympics team that's faster than the able-bodied squad is.
Parktown Prawns. Foul creatures that refuse to die. The National Party of the insect world.
Christians. You believe in no sex before marriage, no wanking, virgin birth, celibate priests... And yet, you name your bookstores "Cum".
Electric fencing to stop somebody stealing your burglar bars for scrap metal.
Only in the Free State, a town called Holfontein. Couldn't they spell diarrhoea?
Knitting your own muesli in Cape Town.
Potchefstroom Fashion week and "The House of Visagie".
Stickers on taxi windows that read, "What cares the moon when the dog barks?"
Riaan Cruywagen's wig, the longest serving member of the news team. It makes him look like he's been hijacked by a rondavel.
Tchorbs.
The Cradle of Humanity.
Scummy pigeons that could fly away but prefer to live in Hillbrow.
Neo-Nazis on trial for treason who still support the death penalty.
Small... and very, very big mercies.
Ek se.
If I haven't infuriated you at least once, you're probably not a true south African, so what have I left out?
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