For comics, 'tis the season to be jobbing at countless year-end functions. Company piss-ups dominate the gigs from November to December and I run the gauntlet of entertainment committee members warning me not to offend anyone by mentioning sex, race or religion at the "Christmas party". The very fact that the whole get together has been named after the act of saying Happy Birthday to Jesus isn't seen as having any religious significance at all.
Of all the suffering and humiliation inflicted in HIS name, the office party rivals the crusades or even missionary position sex. The thumbscrews of the Inquisition never spilled as much truth as a couple of Long Island Teas in the sun between people who don't really like one another, but have been forced to work in close proximity for a whole year. At least everybody knows the rules and can break them in style. Bragging about receiving cunnilingus from the financial director in the car park isn't a tragic lapse of judgement; it's a funny way of handing in your resignation.
It gets trickier when somebody slips a serious occasion into the calendar in the midst of all the revelry. Function fatigue has set in and nobody is actually listening to the speeches anymore as they barter headache tablets for condoms. On December the first, World AIDS Day, more than one earnest guest speaker struggles to understand why the latest horrifying statistics are applauded like the annual company sales figures and somebody at the back table heckles, "So where's our f-f-fucking bonus, then?!"
Dangerous times. Suicidally depressed pandas would do more to ensure their survival under the same circumstances, but otherwise intelligent, hard-working professionals keep blaming stress, traffic cops, food poisoning and a rare form of marriage-vow Alzheimer's for the debris field where their careers once stood. Failing that, they find fault with the comedy for creating a seditious atmosphere and resolve to find an act for next year that better reflects their corporate family values. I'd love to be able to break into that market, but I don't do teenage midget porn.
Drive Safe!
Al
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