(Continued from last week's blog.)
6.) Quit smoking... but not before you've started.
Ja, ja! We all know the damn things'll kill you, so give them up. BUT!...
Unless you have known the illicit pleasure of that first drag ...
Unless you've heard the voice of Darth Vader, himself a pack-a-day man. Unless you've experienced the joy of trying to force your phlegm down the plug hole with the back end of your tooth brush, you'll never know how good it feels to stop.
You have to be a recovering addict in order to get the full value of the boost to your self-esteem when you go to a restaurant and tell the waiter, "NON-smoking section, please." Then smugly tuck into some irradiated, genetically modified, bird-flu casualty.
7.) Coffee is for wimps.
Begin by asking yourself, "Do I really need caffeine or am I so boring that I'm putting myself to sleep?"
If you really need a boost, don't bugger about. Self medicate with crack suppositories while driving a convertible BMW through Hillbrow.
8.) Booze.
That's an order. Recent studies show that people are completely unwilling to give up the luxury of a "dop", so they commission recent studies to prove that a couple of drinks every day are actually good for you. The only thing they don't seem to agree on is exactly which types of plonk you're allowed to consume. My suggestion is: "Drink everything!" That'll increase the odds of you getting it right. Of course, if I'm wrong, we'll both be too pissed to care.
9.) Be part of a pack.
I never met a dog I didn't like. He's probably the only living creature you're likely to meet who is neither a comedian, nor a critic. He loves you. He would lay down his life for you. Which is pretty damn good considering the amount of alimony you pay to someone who is capable of much less. A wolf pack "starter pack" is available at the nearest SPCA. Apparently real men have them neutered, but I didn't have the balls.
10.) Sex and Sleep.
I know these two are essential. Your guess, as to how to get enough of either, is as good as mine. Remember, if you can't be good in bed at least be funny. And if you can smell leather it's best to be in a new car.
Folks, it takes years to perfect this kind of self abuse, so I suppose I should issue some kind of DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME EVER disclaimer here. I figure if you've taken any of this seriously, you need more help than these lifestyle tips could provide, so for caring, professional advice, turn to the horoscope page of your local newspaper.
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