Lifestyle of a Stand-Up Comic

1.) Exorcise!Actively get rid of all the mental and emotional stress-demons that creep into our lives and affect our health. Stand-Up comedy is a good way of doing this, demonstrating outside the Zuma rape trial is not. If neither option seems attractive, try "STEP 2" or crying in the shower where it's easy to hide the evidence.

2.) Exercise.There are many reasons for doing this. Health isn't one of them. Anyone who has ever beaten a nine year old at soccer in the park knows that the primary object of exercise is to feel good. Above all, stay away from runners. You've heard of "the loneliness of the long distance runner"? There's a reason for this. They're antisocial freaks. They run to make the voices stop. Go to the gym instead, meet someone and take her/him out for "STEP 3".

3.) Eat good food.Once you've actually revived your flagging metabolism with a bit of a sweat and some well founded sexual tension, (NOT towards the nine year old in the park!) You'll be able to scoff all sorts of lekker stuff that used to stick around your waist, but which are now necessary for your active lifestyle. Necessary!?! Dig it! In other words, you can eat like George Foreman... Hell, You can eat George Foreman if you feel like it.

4.) Laugh.Especially in traffic. It drives the other lemmings crazy. This is specially recommended if you're following a hearse. Laugh during arguments. It relieves you of the pressure of saying something clever. Laugh during confrontations. It's more effective than all the single- and multi-fingered rude signs put together. It's the ultimate expression of power.

5.) Avoid the Religious.These people are not your friends. They believe that this world is sadness and pain and long for death. It would be rude to discourage them. Shun them like joggers.

Note: I haven't said a word about masturbation. If you're too stupid to work this one out for yourself, you deserve to be unhealthy. More next time.